The following review is spoiler free and is meant to be read BEFORE seeing the movie, as opposed to the upcoming podcast episode, which will contain spoilers and an in-depth discussion of this movie
Tarsem’s Immortals is not a worthless film. To call it that would be disingenuous. Immortals is a film with a negative net worth; worthless would imply that its net worth is zero.
Immortals is presumptuous enough to think that we’ll care what is happening. It is presumptuous enough to take itself seriously when it is impossible not to laugh at some of the ridiculous occurrences found within. At one point, a character is injured and rendered incapable of breeding. This event was met by laughter by not only me, but many others in the theater.
Of course, there are plenty of other moments that are poorly executed: a clunky romantic scene that can’t decide if it wants to be modest or titillating, and winds up being neither; a series of messengers to King Hyperion who somehow know what happens to many groups of people who are wiped out with no survivors; a magical wall that somehow makes it possible to survive a tsunami; and a not-so-rousing speech that somehow turns fleeing soldiers into enthusiastic fighters in a matter of twenty seconds. There are more moments that are terrible, but instead of taking notes during the movie, I was busy trying to find an implement to slit my wrists (I didn’t find any).
Immortals is the worst movie since Richard Kelly’s The Box. It is a worse movie than John Tucker Must Die. But I’ll throw it a bone: I liked it more than Jaws: The Revenge.