My fellow Freaks,
Eight years
is a very long time for anything. I’m finding it hard to believe that it has
been almost eight years since I’ve last updated Celluloid Freaks. There was
nothing related to film that caused me to stay away. So why did I stop?
It may
sound trite, but life got in the way. A series of personal complications
including major depressive disorder and a long journey toward self-realization
made it difficult to continue the task of seeing a new movie almost every week.
So why did I come back? Because of COVID-19, is the short answer, but only part
of it.
I have come
to the realization through this quarantine that the constant negative feedback
loop of life needs to be broken in order for life to have meaning beyond mere
survival. My life is undoubtedly better than it was in the Summer of 2012, without
a doubt; however, the ability to navigate the day-by-day chaos has become
harder.
And my life
has been undeniably better since then. When I was 27, I lived in my parents’
basement and I worked at a pet supply store, and had a serious drinking problem.
Today, at 34, I own a home, I am months away from graduating law school, I have
come out as transgender, and I am married to my soulmate, who I’ve been with for
six blissful years.
So, I am coming
back in part because I believe it will allow me to focus on something that
brings me joy, and allow me to put all of the horror of current events in the
back of my mind, for my own sake.
There is
another reason I’ve decided to come back. And this is the triggering event.
Last December, the very first guest on a test episode I put together, film journalist
Charlie Allbright, passed away. It was devastating. I cared deeply about him
and we had developed a lovely friendship since we became acquainted in 2009.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him and his updates about the
squirrels he was training, and knowing that he isn’t there any longer is a
stabbing pain in my heart. He was one of the very first people I came out to,
and little did I know at the time, we had that in common, as he came out to me
very soon after.
Knowing
that I won’t get to hear his voice, see his face, watch the adventures he had
with his squirrels, or ever do a follow-up episode reviewing the entire Blood
and Ice Cream Trilogy, is the push that made me want to open this back up
again. I feel as if returning to my passion for film is the only way I know how
to pay my respects to him in a way he would appreciate.
So here I
am. This will be a very slow return, I must tell you. I have final exams for
law school coming up soon, then I have studying for the Bar exam, whether COVID-19
causes it to be postponed or not, so I won’t have the time to be setting up, recording,
editing, and posting a regular podcast. What is more likely is that I will be reviewing
films I have seen over the past eight years, and post the reviews as I finish
them. I don’t know what form the podcast will take when it eventually comes
back. I am aiming to upload an episode in early 2021, and discuss what I feel
are the most essential films to see of the last eight years. For a taste, I
have below my top movies of 2019:
10. Captain
Marvel
9.
Spider-Man: Far From Home
8. Avengers:
Endgame
7. Doctor
Sleep
6. Parasite
5. The
Irishman
4.
Midsommar
3. Us
2. Knives
Out
1. Uncut
Gems
Sincerely,
Lauren
PS. Apologies. This isn’t my
best writing; I mostly threw this together at 1:30am on a Tuesday after
deciding I had put it off too long.
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